Walk a mile or live a mile?

People say you won't understand someone until you "walk a mile in his shoes."

I don't know if I ever really knew what that meant. I thought it meant "try to imagine what it would be like" to "walk a mile" in someone's shoes. What else could you do? You aren't that person. I supposed it was a mild platitude espousing sympathy. And that it is. I was even irritated at organizations that won't hire you unless you have experienced what they are treating - drug abuse and whatnot. I thought, I have brains, heart, and sympathy - why can't I help? But now I get it. Walking a mile only gets you so far. What walking a mile doesn't get you is empathy. Living the mile is something else. No matter how imaginative you are, no matter how smart, how sympathetic, you will never fully understand what someone else has gone through UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU.

And the thing is - it could happen to you. Anything could. But we don't realize that.

When something happens to you that you never imagined could, that's living the mile. You are no longer at a distance from that person whose life you previously thought was so unlike yours. You are no longer imagining what his or her life is like. You're not intellectually appreciating what certain factors in someone's life lead to, the genetics plus the upbringing plus the economic demographic plus gender, education, and on and on. We can all be sympathetic (even though a lot of people aren't). We can all nod and listen and say, "How bad for you." We can even help someone to get out of a bad situation. But we can't ever "get it" unless we go through it ourselves. That's the thing. You know how people watch a scary movie and they admit that, while they might like to think they would fight back, they wouldn't really be able to know how they would respond in a situation until it happened?

That's true. Which is why it astounds me that so many people are so judgmental against those in dire circumstances. As if somehow we choose to be molested by our parents or beaten by our husbands. That kind of thing. You hear so often, "but how could she/he stay with him/her?" Or the total lack of not just empathy but even sympathy towards those forced into prostitution. As if it's just something a person chooses to do. As if she could have done something else.

The thing is we are part choice, and then we are part circumstance, and we are part unconscious. We can end up in a place and a position we never thought we would - but now we are.

Now don't get excited. I'm not going to tell you I was a prostitute. But for two years or so, I experienced a lot of what might be termed subtle abuse in my relationships and during that time, I was made aware that it's a slippery slope. And you don't know - YOU HAVE NO IDEA - if it could happen to you. But it could. You could think you are "above" all that and the next thing you know you are behind a bush with a pervert that wants you to touch his dick. And you are not a child.

That abused person. It's not something he or she chose. And getting out of something is very difficult when you are barely aware of it in the first place. It takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness and self-confidence to extricate oneself from a bad situation. I had just enough. But many don't. And it's not their fault. So don't judge. If not for the grace of God - and my own heightened sense of self-preservation - there go I. There go YOU.

I once posted on Facebook that I wondered what I would carry if all I had in life was one shopping cart. Everyone - and I mean everyone - thought I was making a joke or playing a game. No. Really. I walked by a homeless person, and I KNEW that could easily be me. One missed bill. One health emergency. One destroyed relationship. You could be on the street. Yes, YOU. I know. I almost was.

Do I wish everyone would get to that edge? So that more people would be less asshole-ish about the misfortunes of others? So that more people would realize how ridiculously difficult life can be sometimes? No. I don't wish bad things on people but take it from me. You don't know until it happens to you whether it could happen to you. So you might as well have a healthy understanding that the possibility is there. And live accordingly. Don't judge. Give not just your ear and a fake smile but also your heart to those who are experiencing bad times. They didn't bring it all upon themselves. They wouldn't know how to - and they might not know how to get out. Maybe you think there is no way you could relate - and you don't want to find out - but yes, it could be you. Any of you.

I lived that mile.