Being a salmon sux

My spirit animal should be a salmon. Except, there are other animals that will do - solitary or disliked animals - like the animal that actually is my spirit animal - the wasp. Salmon are not actually solitary creatures - but they are dying off, and I definitely feel like a dinosaur sometimes. And they are radioactive and diseased (no, not me) - but, they swim upstream.

And so do I.

Do you know what it's like to be the only one all the time?

I'm guessing you don't. Because that would disrupt the very definition of what I'm saying.

I'm not talking about a "one of a kind." Not talking about some celebrity of the moment, something or someone that is the be all and end all. No. I'm just talking about being alone. All the time. In what you think or believe.

It sounds egotistical. Like I'm the only one like this so I'm so special. Maybe I think I'm special - because I wouldn't change anything. I can't. It's not how I'm made.

But let me tell you. It sux.

The only one that likes or dislikes something that everyone else dislikes or likes. The only one that thinks something is inappropriate - or appropriate. The only one that thinks it's ok to tell a child, yes, you are going to die. There is no heaven. There is no God. Grandma and grandpa are going to die.

The only one that thinks it's possible not to lie EVER.

And still be kind. In fact, that's kind. Not lying. Telling the truth. Or what you think is the truth.

The only one that doesn't like The Art of Racing in the Rain.

Do you know what it's like to be in a group on Facebook - because you want to belong, you want a crew, you want a team, you want LIKE MINDS in the room with you - and you go down a list of 50+ people and every single one of them loves something that you hate? How do you speak up and say, actually, I don't like that? Do you? Do you be the one person? The one that hates what everyone else loves? I dare you.

Because that's my life every single day.

And I speak up. I say, "You know, I didn't like that." And I say, "But I'm guessing you will - based on the percentages." I'm the odd one out. I know that. It's hard to speak up. But I think, people should know - not everyone agrees with them. Not everyone loves that or doesn't love that. Not everyone agrees or disagrees with them. People should know, and young people should be given an example, that it's okay to have a different opinion or an alternative view. It's okay to say "no" whenever everyone else says "yes" or "yes" when everyone else says "no".

Presumably there are other salmon out there. But I wouldn't know. I've never met one.

Because it's hard. How many are keeping silent? The only ones inside their heads?

Do you know what it's like to never have anyone to talk to that agrees with you?

Right now, I'm the only one wearing a mask. I started wearing one in February. Yes, I'm that person. Or I guess I am. I wouldn't know if there are any others - because I'm always the only one.

I wore it to an art opening in February - I was the only one. It was embarrassing. There must have been at least 100 people there. I was the ONLY ONE. And one of the curators said to me:

Thank you.

I wear it to the supermarket. I'm the only one in the supermarket wearing one. And an employee said to me:

Thank you.

But to me, my life, and the life of my loved ones - one of whom has an immune compromising situation - is more important than "going with the flow" or being embarrassed to stand out.

Then I go back on Facebook and somebody says, "I don't like Art of Racing in the Rain, either." I'm so relieved I want to cry. And it's just one person. And they don't say it to the group but just to me and I say, phew.

Thank you.

Peer pressure is real.

I know that when my lover returns to work, it will be hard for him to practice the rules of social distancing that will still be in effect - if everyone else doesn't do it too. I know it will be hard for him not to return to smoking - if one of his coworkers invites him for a smoke break.

I'm swimming upstream all the time but I'm doing it by myself. I'm carrying it by myself. And sometimes - no, a lot of the time - I have to wonder, what does it matter? That I hold fast to my beliefs and my thoughts but no one agrees with me? That I wear a mask but my lover doesn't?

That I hate bees and love wasps.