Get a job.

Or go on, go on, go on

If you were thinking that the worst is yet to come

Why am I the one always packing up my stuff?

For once, for once, for once

I get the feeling that I'm right where I belong

Why am I the one always packing up my stuff? ~ Fun

The other day I told my significant other that I had had a dream wherein I was, once again, having to look for a place to live.

In the dream, I was begging a girl much more well off than I was to let me be her roommate. I was attempting to persuade her that, while I could not afford to pay her anything close to the going rate in rent, wouldn't it be "better than nothing" to get a small bit of cash from me per month?

You should know that, prior to meeting my boyfriend, my life had been quite precarious for quite some time. It's the price I have paid for being idealistic, I guess you could say, and for wanting to be in the right relationship and the right job. But it has taken a toll.

I woke up full of the insecurity that dream had represented, aware, for the nth time, of how easily my life would crash if anything happened to upset the balance I now have, and which I and everyone know is in great part due to my moving in with my boyfriend.

When I told said boyfriend how scared I was of what would happen to me if anything happened to him, he first asked, "Why?" - which in itself was a bit of an astounding question; and second he said, as a solution, "Just get a job."

Now folks, I have multiple jobs. I do not have a full-time job. The reason I do not have a full-time job is a) due to personal choice of what would be the best style of living for me, after working my a$$ off in a multitude of jobs since I was 12 years old or earlier and b) because my s.o. told me my happiness was the most important thing to him; and so, we decided, together, it would be acceptable for me to leave my last full-time job and begin picking up "gig work" that made me more happy.

It worked. And I'm doing okay, money-wise. But I have no insurance. And if something were to happen to my boyfriend, this lovely life he has made possible for me would disappear. I could not afford to pay for the condo where we live.

I would be back to square one, which is square nowhere.

I couldn't believe how fast my s.o. was to relegate me back to that position in his mind. The very happiness and security that he has provided for me - and which he said was so important to him to provide to me - he saw no problem with that dissolving immediately in his absence. Or he could not imagine that this is exactly what would happen. That my life would plummet. "Getting a job" in the sense that he meant it would in fact ruin the solace I currently have. Honestly, I would not want to live if living meant going back to the "rat race." Yes, of course, that is a viable, practical option - and I have said it myself to others. "Get a job." But to me, that is anathema to everything I value at this point in my life. To have my life be owned again by someone else. To spend all of my time working to make that person wealthier, while I remain in the lower tiers, just making ends meet, and too tired and distracted to do anything for myself.

Like the entire rest of my life up until now.

Do you know what would happen to my boyfriend if I left? Sure, he would miss me. But the worst thing that would happen to his situation is that he wouldn't know where to find anything. That's it. Not being able to locate some pot or pan in the kitchen would be his biggest hardship. The rest of his life, his finances, his job, his spending, would remain exactly the same. In fact, better, of course, because he would no longer be living with me.

My s.o. has a good job - but he has no life insurance and no 401K. He has never thought about that those types of things exist not just for us but to help others when we pass. Or, due to his own experience so far, he doesn't think that someone's passing is that dramatic, financially.

While he has agreed that the condo is mine should he go, he has not added me to his insurance and has not created any kind of safety net, for either one of of us. He has told me that, because of the state of my finances, he does not yet want to marry me. Which I understand. It's scary. And yes, agreeing that I could stay here in his condo is a heart-warming, generous move; however, the actual logistics are that I would be strapped for the months wherein I had to pay the mortgage, trickling away major chunks of what I have managed to save, until I could sell, and then unable to find a decent place I could afford anyway. I can see myself just selling and fucking disappearing.

So today, I'm feeling this mixed message. From this person that actively demonstrates how much he loves me and yet, when posed a certain way, his answer to the question of my existence without him is just for me to return to what my life was like before we met.

Perhaps I fear too much. I know that my boyfriend loves me. I know he is doing everything he feels is right, at this juncture, to help me feel secure, happy, and loved. My fear, my insecurity, my financial problems - my bias that men have it "better" - none of that is his fault, nor his responsibility. I know that he doesn't "own" me. I know I am free.

And I know that he has given me the wonderful gift of breathing room, the chance for me to get my act together so that, if ever anything does happen to him - heavens forbid - I will be okay.

Perhaps love is exactly what makes everything work out in the end.

Things you don't know until you know

It has come to my attention over the past year or so that one of the irksome things about being a human being and the challenge of the hundreds of decisions we make on a daily basis - is that oftentimes we don't know if we've made the right decision until AFTER we've made it.

Do you know what I mean?

Let's start with how do we make decisions in the first place? Some are obvious, obviously. We rely upon past experience, what has worked and what hasn't worked, what we like and don't like, what we need and don't need. But there are a lot of gray areas. And how do we have integrity within those to both ourselves and to the people with whom we may or may not have obligations?

For a certain period I studied martial arts and one of the main tenets we were taught in my dojo was to follow through. What I took this to mean was that if I agreed to do something, I should do it. Period. Regardless if I change my mind later or "don't feel like it."

Yeah. Well.

This doesn't always work. Perhaps I participate in a committee for a few sessions and then I determine that we do not really have shared goals. Or that, no matter what my input is, the head of the committee is determined to push the project in a certain direction - in other words, my input is practically meaningless. At that point, I am just a name on a program - if that. Do I keep attending? I sort of kind of have a "gut feeling" that I don't want to. I hem and haw wondering if this commitment of mine will payoff "one day," what impact it will have on public relations related to my work, and various other way too heavy thoughts. But the kicker is that until I actually say "I am not attending the meeting today" and hit "send" on that email - I have no idea if I made the correct decision.

Afterwards, I feel good or bad, depending. Usually good. Thankfully. I do trust my instincts.

Sometime after that stint in martial arts I started a different practice which was this: if I am more than 50% in doubt, I don't do it. This seems selfish at times. You just don't do the things you don't "feel like" doing? Actually yes. I'm a damn grownup! Surely there has to be some benefit to that sometime! And guess what it is? You can say no! You can change your mind! There are so many unwanted things that as adults we already "have" to do over the course of our days. Why do more?

But again, until we actually take the plunge and make the decision - and share it with someone else - we don't know if it was the "right" decision or not. It's like when you decide to give something away to the thrift store. You think you maybe want to get rid of it. You know you haven't worn that shirt in years or that you never will. You know that it was given to you by someone with whom you are now estranged and that just looking at it, never mind wearing it, makes you unhappy. But until you actually hand the item off to the guy at the back door of the thrift store and step on the gas, you have no idea if it was what you needed to do.

Weird, isn't it?