Walk a mile or live a mile?

People say you won't understand someone until you "walk a mile in his shoes."

I don't know if I ever really knew what that meant. I thought it meant "try to imagine what it would be like" to "walk a mile" in someone's shoes. What else could you do? You aren't that person. I supposed it was a mild platitude espousing sympathy. And that it is. I was even irritated at organizations that won't hire you unless you have experienced what they are treating - drug abuse and whatnot. I thought, I have brains, heart, and sympathy - why can't I help? But now I get it. Walking a mile only gets you so far. What walking a mile doesn't get you is empathy. Living the mile is something else. No matter how imaginative you are, no matter how smart, how sympathetic, you will never fully understand what someone else has gone through UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU.

And the thing is - it could happen to you. Anything could. But we don't realize that.

When something happens to you that you never imagined could, that's living the mile. You are no longer at a distance from that person whose life you previously thought was so unlike yours. You are no longer imagining what his or her life is like. You're not intellectually appreciating what certain factors in someone's life lead to, the genetics plus the upbringing plus the economic demographic plus gender, education, and on and on. We can all be sympathetic (even though a lot of people aren't). We can all nod and listen and say, "How bad for you." We can even help someone to get out of a bad situation. But we can't ever "get it" unless we go through it ourselves. That's the thing. You know how people watch a scary movie and they admit that, while they might like to think they would fight back, they wouldn't really be able to know how they would respond in a situation until it happened?

That's true. Which is why it astounds me that so many people are so judgmental against those in dire circumstances. As if somehow we choose to be molested by our parents or beaten by our husbands. That kind of thing. You hear so often, "but how could she/he stay with him/her?" Or the total lack of not just empathy but even sympathy towards those forced into prostitution. As if it's just something a person chooses to do. As if she could have done something else.

The thing is we are part choice, and then we are part circumstance, and we are part unconscious. We can end up in a place and a position we never thought we would - but now we are.

Now don't get excited. I'm not going to tell you I was a prostitute. But for two years or so, I experienced a lot of what might be termed subtle abuse in my relationships and during that time, I was made aware that it's a slippery slope. And you don't know - YOU HAVE NO IDEA - if it could happen to you. But it could. You could think you are "above" all that and the next thing you know you are behind a bush with a pervert that wants you to touch his dick. And you are not a child.

That abused person. It's not something he or she chose. And getting out of something is very difficult when you are barely aware of it in the first place. It takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness and self-confidence to extricate oneself from a bad situation. I had just enough. But many don't. And it's not their fault. So don't judge. If not for the grace of God - and my own heightened sense of self-preservation - there go I. There go YOU.

I once posted on Facebook that I wondered what I would carry if all I had in life was one shopping cart. Everyone - and I mean everyone - thought I was making a joke or playing a game. No. Really. I walked by a homeless person, and I KNEW that could easily be me. One missed bill. One health emergency. One destroyed relationship. You could be on the street. Yes, YOU. I know. I almost was.

Do I wish everyone would get to that edge? So that more people would be less asshole-ish about the misfortunes of others? So that more people would realize how ridiculously difficult life can be sometimes? No. I don't wish bad things on people but take it from me. You don't know until it happens to you whether it could happen to you. So you might as well have a healthy understanding that the possibility is there. And live accordingly. Don't judge. Give not just your ear and a fake smile but also your heart to those who are experiencing bad times. They didn't bring it all upon themselves. They wouldn't know how to - and they might not know how to get out. Maybe you think there is no way you could relate - and you don't want to find out - but yes, it could be you. Any of you.

I lived that mile.

How I became a vegan more or less

When I was about 10 years old, my mother and some of her friends slaughtered 100 chickens in our back yard. There were vats of blood. There were chickens literally running around with their heads cut off.

Chicken never tasted the same to me after that.

I grew up eating a lot of "alternative" foods in the first place. We did not eat staple American "meat and potatoes" fare in my family. My parents and grandparents had lived in Asia and Latin America. Rice was a regular on our menu. My palate had an early introduction to the flavors of the world. After multiple visits to foreign parts myself, I developed a long-delayed appreciation for both soup and hot tea. In college in Hawaii, my favorite lunch on campus was cold tofu salad.

I'm telling you these details because these are the kinds of things that make it easier to go vegan.

I sound so un-American already. How can you be an American and not eat beef?

It's weird that we have this concept that Americans eat a certain way when in general Americans are very experimental in their eating habits. But the backlash against veganism, well, we do know where it is coming from. The beef industry, the milk industry, the cheese industry - the COW industry - and its devotees who feel threatened, financially, and apparently, personally.

Because it's a threat if you have to think about maybe some of the things you love to eat are bad for you or that cultivating them, processing them, and you eating them is helping kill the planet.

Or that the cow you are eating felt scared when it died.

It's a threat when you are losing business because consumers are trying to be health conscious and ethical. And your business is neither. And you might have to think about running a different business in order to be a better person and in order for us to have a better planet. People don't like to make sacrifices for long-term benefits. They want the feel good now. They want the money now. They want the hamburger now. The excuse, "people will lose jobs if the beef industry becomes less important" is a lame-ass excuse. I'm sorry for everyone that won't have a job. I've lost many a job myself.

EVOLVE.

And do we even need to talk about methane and greenhouse gases? Oh yeah. Global warming is a myth. Sorry about that. My bad.

Then there are the mean-spirited jokes that plants have feelings too. So what are you going to eat now, vegans? I guess nothing! You got me! Wait, are you saying it's bad to eat things that have feelings? Oh no! Cuz I think that turns this back around to you eating that terrified cow!

Maybe plants have feelings. But it must be less painful for a piece of celery to die than for a lamb so you can have that lamb chop or a baby calf so you can have that veal. I am only guessing.

About five years ago, I watched a movie that made the crossover complete. I had already deduced that milk didn't feel good. My husband I had been lactose-free, milk-wise, for some time. I had already figured out that eating beef felt HEAVY and that fast food made me tired and FAT.

In this movie, pigs were squeezed into cages at least one size too small for them. Workers with lifeless eyes handled slabs of beef while blood streamed around them. Panicked chickens were beheaded en masse by automated machetes. Of course, I have learned many more stories since then. Of the cows that try desperately to escape slaughter, running into nearby towns. Once in awhile, one of them is "saved" and "adopted" by the town. How sweet. Meanwhile, farms and factories that claim to follow FDA regulations refuse to allow visitors and that sticker that says "organic" or "free range" is often a lie. And don't even get me started on gluten. Oh, do you have celiac disease? No, I don't. Our food is processed and full of dangerous chemicals. When I eat fake white bread crap I feel bad. That's why I don't eat bread. Basically, I couldn't trust food anymore. That was a big part of it. And I knew that animals suffer when they die. And that there was no way to guarantee to me that they don't.

More. I felt better. Completely better. I lost weight. I gained energy. For all those haters, my blood levels are fine. My cholesterol is fine. My bones are fine. I get plenty of protein. I get plenty of calcium. Ya'll, all these companies know that people have gone off meat and need nutrients. These alternative products, the almond milk and whatnot, are packed with what we need. Being vegan doesn't make you weak. Weight lifters are vegan. Many entire cultures or societies have been at least vegetarian and/or vegan. So why all the hate? Why all the disbelief? Why all the naysayers?

I can hear the denials. What hate? Vegans are the ones who are annoying, people will say. They're so preachy, people will say. It's hard to be quiet when you want to save the world, yes. And yes, there are some wack job vegans. There are some wack job any type of person. Yet when you have been convinced, through doing it yourself, that your dietary choices WORK, it's hard to not be obvious about it. You don't even have to say anything because you look and feel better and everybody that knows you knows that. And they know that they aren't doing what you do. The grief that comes from the other side is palpable and constant. The nasty posts in Facebook groups that have nothing to do with food. Or the reverse, the constant postings about BACON. Ya know? I don't say anything. I laugh too. I don't say, you know bacon is bad for you. I don't respond with a photo of a pig in a cage.

I cause discomfort by saying NOTHING. People hear that I am vegan and all of the sudden they are beside themselves with what to do if I come over - or the opposite, they could give a shit and I should fend for myself (ie. starve). I never try to make a fuss. I always say I will make do. And I do. Being vegan is almost a form of self-ostracization. Sitting on the sidelines while everyone else eats that Thanksgiving turkey. There's no denying how important food is to anyone's culture, to having fun, and to celebrating. It's so important. That's why it's important to think harder about it. Being vegan is so threatening to people who don't want to change or even think about changing. Automatically, it's as if people think I think I am "better than them" because I am vegan.

I'm just a person whose life and life decisions brought her to a certain point, and found it good, and you can be that person too. You can join me anytime. I'll be sitting over here by myself trying really hard not to make a face while you eat that salmon and the orcas are dying.

Kon Marie This!

One of the biggest pieces of advice we seem to get from the world is to "let it go."

At the same time, we are urged to "make connections" and "stay connected."

The internet and cell phones make this ridiculously easy, forcing daily dilemmas upon us as to whom we actually want to stay connected with, and if it's a good idea. Didn't I stop talking to that person, or her to me, for a reason? Thanks to the internet we are constantly challenging our own decisions. But it's so easy to say "Hi!" Or to ask an old flame, "How you doing?" Should I allow this total stranger on LinkedIn to connect to my profile? Maybe one day he will offer me a job! (Hahaha!)

And so on.

The latest craze is to "Kon Marie" things, based on the bestselling tips by well-meaning neat freak Marie Kondo. One of her primary tenets is to remove everything from our lives that doesn't "spark happiness."

Nice one, Marie. But let me ask you. What do you do when the world doesn't let you remove those things from your life?

Start off with the fact that if you aim to be a conscientious tax payer there is a requisite number of years you are required to keep all of your records, and when you think about the bills you get every single month for say, five years, this is a damn lot of burdensome and burdening paperwork.

Then maybe one day you get a job that requires you to pencil in all of your addresses and jobs from the past ten years, and all of the related contact info. How do you do that if you haven't kept every scrap of paper from the past ten years? Okay, alternately, you could take the time to keep some kind of list of just such items. Marie would probably approve of that. Ok, you win that one, Marie.

Now let's say you worked for the government for about two seconds, and you want to get your retirement money back. (This is a true story). You are required, if you ever want to see your money, to contact every spouse you ever had for more than nine months, no matter when it was. Yep, that's right. So the person I divorced over ten years ago, and to whom I have not spoken since that date? I am required by the government to send that person a notification that I want my retirement money - in case he wants to dispute it! Now, I get it. I am the last one to deny someone what is rightfully his and if it's a chunk of my retirement money, so be it. But holy crap. I was not married nor divorced during my time in this government job - and anyone I was previously married or divorced to has a right to my money? Not to mention having to unbury the past??? I don't know where this person is. I Kon Marie'd that guy! WTF? What if my ex-spouse was a murderer? What if he hated me? What if I didn't want him to know my new address, my new name, not to mention my social (there is a blank on the form where I have to put my social - which he would see!). How is that ok?

(There are ways to do this without compromising my safety and security, but it doesn't seem the government gives a shit about that. Why can't I just show them my divorce decree? -- which, Marie, I still have, even though it doesn't spark happiness, and THANK GOD I do cuz I had to check if I owe this guy money after 10 years! Why can't the government send him some type of notification that does not include my social security number, and in fact doesn't mention any of my current information. "Your former spouse, name of X, wishes to receive her retirement money. Yay or Nay?")

You see, I try to Kon Marie people and things, but I'm not allowed. I try to keep only things that spark happiness, then something like this happens and I get to relive the past thanks to what you call bureaucracy. Marie and bureaucracy probably are not friends. Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate and endorse Marie's idea. Spark Happiness. Throw shit away. Do not re-contact that ex friend or lover. They are ex for a reason. As much as the world allows you, Kon Marie that shit.

Books ruined me for sex.

Books ruined me for sex. Books and movies. But especially books.

Jitterbug Perfume was one of the biggest culprits. If you know the book, then you know what I'm talking about. The couple discovers that the key to eternal life is frequent lovemaking. The only thing is, it's not just that it's frequent, it's GOOD. And they are in love. So just having sex all the time won't do it. It has to be mind-blowing orgasmic sex with your true love. EVERY TIME.

I'd like to know how much luck the author is having with that.

The first book that unfortunately I can't forget, and that gave me false expectations for sex forever, was Lady Chatterley's Lover. It was famously scandalous in it's time and to some people, perhaps it still is. The wanton woman having sex with the woodsman in the woods. Whatever. What stood out to me was SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM. What a crock. And that is the gift that keeps on giving. Every movie, every book, every porn - you name it - simultaneous orgasm. Cuz that happens all the time.

Not.

Don't even get me started on how "easy" FICTION make it seem like it is for people to even HAVE an orgasm - or all the LIES real people tell about how easy it is for them. But I guess there are also plenty of movies and books about women faking it - so maybe it evens out. Maybe.

But the pressure, right? That's where that comes in.

I fell in for awhile with the polyamorous crowd. Gimme a break. All that is is another - rather wily and successful - framework for men to have their cake and eat it, too. I don't know what the statistics are, but I'd be willing to bet that the number of men who consider themselves to be SUCCESSFULLY polyamorous is wildly larger than the number of women who say the same. It's just another harem. This is absolutely what I witnessed in person. I thought maybe if I could be more "free" then I would learn to "express" my sexuality and thereby gain more pleasure from sex. It might have gone that way, I suppose, if the current concept of polyamory weren't such a farce. If they didn't still have so many RULES. If everyone didn't fall into disappointingly TRADITIONAL roles. Women still fighting over men. Wringing their hands, pulling their hair, and crying over men. Women having HUGE difficulty getting more than one partner and on the contrary, settling on and doting on that one - devastated if he left - while men filled up their calendars with who gets Mondays....who gets Tuesdays...who gets Thursdays...AND NO DEVIATING!

The FOUNDER of the polyamorous movement of which I was a part is a woman with ONE PARTNER for something like FIFTEEN YEARS. But her partner has multiple women. The founder! Her man is not polyamorous, folks. He is a cad and a cheat and no matter what she says, I would be willing to bet that she is NOT okay with it. Just look at her eyes.

The more things change the more things stay the same.

But anyway, you would think "free love" might have worked. Didn't. Could've. Didn't. As, sadly, humans are not really capable of coming up with a truly new and creative system that is equal.

I'm back on my own trying to figure out how to cultivate happiness in sex and love and partnership. Not trusting any book or movie or "guru" about it. Following my own way. It's hard, right? The flush of new love wears off and where are you? Maybe you can't afford to get your nails done so your guy is less turned on than before because you are not as visually exciting. But WTF? It's not just him. I start to dial down too. Probably, deep inside, it's those old traitorous expectations kicking in, and wondering:

Why Isn't It Like That?